How To Dial Down The Drama
Like a nagging parent (or teacher, or principal, or
other imposing authority figure), we may start
pushing buttons labeled You Always… ,You Never…
, You Should …, and You Shouldn’t. We may begin
treating the other person like a rebellious child. That’s
a losing game every time. So it might make sense to
pause until the urge to push those buttons recedes.
Of course, we’re human. We don’t like being attacked
or blamed or manipulated. At first, we’re likely to
be impatient with what we are hearing, and we’re
likely to start thinking about defending ourselves.
These are natural instincts. But we will get further,
and accomplish more, if we find a way to remind
ourselves that choosing a conscious, Adult response
to drama is always better than indulging a sudden,
emotional reaction to it. And, by the way, although
the employee’s tone in the example I shared is
inappropriate, it’s entirely possible that the facts
behind that complaint about the training could be
correct. That’s another reason we don’t want to
escalate into an argument! We might be wrong!
So, which would you rather have? A situation where
one person is lashing out in an emotional state?
Or a situation where both of you are lashing out in
an emotional state, and the conversation spins out
of control?
The sad truth is, these conversations spin out of
control quite often, and they don’t have to. Even if
they don’t produce open conflict, they can have a
negative impact on the team. Feelings get hurt, those
feelings get buried, working relationships suffer,
and our people underproduce. Or leave. Or, perhaps
worst of all, underproduce for years without leaving.
All because we reacted impulsively and became
emotionally involved.
We don’t have to do that. We always have a choice.
It is your role as a leader to step above the drama, not
to get hooked by it. So the next time somebody says
It’s not my fault, or blames you, or tries to manipulate
you, or tries to change the subject, consider playing
the Adult card, not the Critical Parent card. Why
become defensive? Why fixate on should and
shouldn’t? Why drive into the ditch? Simply step
back, take a deep breath, get clear on what has really
happened and what really needs to happen next, and
treat the other person like a grownup, regardless of
whether they’ve been acting like one. More often
than you may expect, they’ll start acting like one.
And you’ll both have the facts you need to make
good decisions.
© 2021 Sandler Systems, Inc. All rights reserved.
David Mattson, author of SCALING SALES SUCCESS: 16 Key Principles For Sales Leaders, is a thought
leader, keynote speaker, and leader for sales management seminars around the world. As President
and CEO of Sandler Training, Mattson oversees the corporate direction and strategy for the
company’s global operations.
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